Three Seconds is a Long Time

Well. Just now I was eating a quick dinner at the table while that rerun channel, Boomerang, was on. The old show 2 Stupid Dogs was playing, and I was partly paying attention to it, being more occupied with the fact that finals are coming up.

Of course, just then an episode started that featured a perverted rip-off of the Brady Bunch. I'm not kidding when I say perverted. The part I was actually watching featured Greg and Martha (I kid you not, those were the names of the poeple on the show) fighting over the how to set the table. Then Greg stabs Martha in the head with the fork (!!) and it stays stuck in the top of her head (!!!). Nothing too graphic about that, right?

Of course, just then, the mother walks by and notices the utensil popping out of her daughters head. After the situation is explained to her, she tells the two to apologize. And then she says, "Now, kiss and make up."

And of course the older, much more mature teenage kids take this literally. And I mean literally. I mean full on making-out for at least three seconds before the screenshot changes. I mean really kissing.

Three seconds is a long time.

And as if this isn't enough, for the first thirty seconds into the next scene, you can still hear them locking lips.

What is this supposed to tell the young, impressionable minds who see this? That it's okay to passionately kiss your sibling, blood-related or otherwise?

Wow.

Just wow.

And then Mr. Oh-So-Wise-Father, who just criticized the dogs for being stupid (hence the show's title) intelligently sticks his finger in the grill to test the hot dogs he's cooking.

I think you can guess what happens next.

His finger catches on fire. Graphically.

So he screams, "ALICE!! Do something!"

"Yes, Mr. B."

And now I'm thinking, oh, good. Maybe the moral housekeeper can keep the show from sinking. She can teach the kids how to help an injured person.

What does she do with the burning finger? Does she take care of it professionally?

Nah.

She spits on it. From about fifty feet away. With the kind of accuracy that would make a cowpoke proud.

Great medical advice.

As the show progresses, the large dog eats the kids before they are forcefully whacked out of him, the kids launch into a musical number (don't even ask), and managed to break Mom's favorite vase ("Mom always said, 'Don't drive the mower in the house.').

After being run over by said mower, and returning from the hospital, the littlest boy quips, "I learned what the inside of my liver looks like!"

After the dogs swallow fiery hot dogs and effectively burn the house down with their breath, the dogs are kicked to the curb, literally.

What a great way to treat your pets.

Moral of this whole experiance?

...

Be careful about the good old cartoons. They're more racy than you could have ever imagined.